September 26, 2012 by blogmasterjdeam
When I get back to Colorado, I intend to start wearing hearing aids. There it is; out of the closet. Most of the time, I can’t hear you. I was too embarrassed to tell you that. Sometimes I just nod and pretend I actually can hear you. Sometimes I give you the wrong answer to whatever you asked me. That would explain those askance looks you sometimes give me.
I also intend to stop cutting my hair. I will wear it wild and unkept. I won’t own a brush or a comb. I wish to stop wearing makeup. Perhaps I’ll wear only lipstick, bright red or deep coral. While I’m at it, I intend to learn to relax into this business of self-indulgence. I want to luxuriate into the being of “me-ness.” I want to hold myself in love, in rapture, in longing, as I would a lover. I want to let go of the idea that I must run every day. I want to run only when I feel like it. That goes for weight lifting and a lot of the other crazy-ass stuff I do.
Time is short! I have squandered away six decades on self-improvement. I was always thinking I “should” be better, always better, at something, anything. Starting this very moment, I need to let go of this line of thinking. Instead I want to develop the practice of total, radical self-acceptance. I must look at my body, not with judgment, but solely with the eyes of love — knowing it is perfect. I must, at last, love myself, the way a mother loves a child — without judgment, without “shoulds,” with the concept of: just as I am. I AM a being worthy of unconditional love. If that love doesn’t come from me, then from whom?
I have come to drag you out of yourself and take you into my Heart. I have come to bring out the beauty you never knew you had and lift you like a prayer to the sky. ~Rumi~
This retreat has been amazing and it’s not over yet. I will continue to open my heart to these cherished women. I will hold each one close to me, as I do you, wishing only the best for each and every one of us.
I have had two days of really good asana and guided meditations. We hiked for two hours (probably about 40 miles … I’m not sure, but my feet, legs and back were killing me, so maybe it was more like 100 miles). The following day, we rode horses — English style — very different for us girls from the West. The food has been wonderful and the company even better. This has been a very special retreat, and I could not recommend it more highly. Next summer, I hope to do the kayak/yoga retreat or the hiking/yoga retreat here on Madeline Island.
When Death Comes
When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
~ Mary Oliver ~
Here is something you already know: everything will be okay in the end. If it isn’t okay, it’s not the end (you silly.)
Much peace, kindness and happiness to you all, Chris