November 3, 2012 by blogmasterjdeam
I woke up at 3 a.m. again this morning on the runaway thoughts train. Here is what happened: I couldn’t get in touch with Mike last night. (You may recall I am in Maui for five days.) I went to bed, slept fitfully and then woke up at that crazy hour convinced Mike had fallen in the ditch on the way to put the S-word chickens to bed, then I imagined him in the ditch having a heart attack and dying. Meanwhile, I imagined the dogs locked in the house starving to death. From 3 a.m. until 10 a.m. I went from worry, to total freak out, to wait a minute, what if he went hunting without telling me, to WTF, to beyond angry and finally to the D word. I cried, I swore, I drank cup after cup of coffee and didn’t eat. For seven hours my system ran in overdrive, churning out every negative emotion I could elicit. It was sheer hell. All that while visiting in beautiful Maui.
What broke the cycle? Just before I met with Ram Dass I was able to step away from my emotional body and be the witness to all that was unfolding. And I realized how ridiculous I was being. Just plain ridiculous.
This particular drama is known as EXPECTATIONS. There were many extenuating circumstances to this adventure: I was fatigued from getting up at 3 a.m. the day before; I had been on a plane or in an airport for twelve hours; I was thirsty and hungry; I hadn’t mediated at all yesterday; and I’d been just sitting, so had built up plenty of kinetic energy … a perfect storm. But these things happen in life. This is what our practice is for, so that when these things happen we are already in the place of non-expectation; in the place of being in the moment.
The deal is, I want to be awake enough so that the period of drama gets shorter and shorter until eventually it doesn’t even happen. I want everything to be, ah … just this moment.
We’ve all been around people who either bring positive vibes to the room or bring negative ones. When I am in the space I was this morning for seven hours, all I’m bringing is the negative sh*t. By the time I spent 1 ½ hours with Ram Dass, I was covered in BLISS. I went into town for lunch (the best cream cheese, tomato omelet of my entire life – and I don’t even like eggs,) and had wonderful interactions with every one I encountered. And then, as I was talking to my sweet niece Delia, I saw one of my bumper stickers: MAY ALL BEINGS BE FILLED WITH KINDNESS AND COMPASSION FOR ONE ANOTHER.
I want to be the yogi who walks into the room and brings only bliss. I want the bliss to come from my soul, not from my ego. Yes, I do have a lot of work in front of me, but what else have I got to do?
Also, while I am wishing … I want to be the yogi who has no expectations; whose husband can go hunting without having to report in. And while I’m at it, I might need to work on my attachments again!
Blissfully yours, Chris