100 Days of Yoga, Day 90

2

November 19, 2012 by blogmasterjdeam

As I close in on the end of this process, I can see more and more how the ego, while having its purpose, also, has been a hinderance. Looking back, I can see how the dramas created by the ego have made my life so much harder than it needed to be. As I grew older, thus more proficient in my career, my ego grew bigger and bigger, so that I felt this sense of separateness and superiority. I am embarrassed about this now, and have a moment of wondering if I can actually make amends for the damage I did. I can’t blame the ego. I have to own that as well. It has been up to me, all along, to keep it in its place.

In Maui, I learned to step outside the ego, and become the Witness. When I am the Witness, my heart is open. It was a hard thing, having my heart opened and it is still hard to stay in that space. Like every part of this awakening, I have to constantly practice the things I’ve learned.

While peeling away the onion, (I mistakenly thought was completely peeled,) I found another layer: I like to call this chapter Hanging onto old hurts. Like the old hurts, I’ve kept this one pretty well hidden. Through this process I’ve learned what I don’t address will come back and bite me in the ass.

Hanging onto old hurts, of course, has a plus side. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t still be getting hung up on it. I had to dig deep to realize what the payoff was. Here is what I found: something I like to keep in my back pocket for a rainy day: self-righteous indignation. Because you never know when you’re going to need to play that card, right?

I should (hate that word) note here: for me, having released the ego and stepped through the keyhole, does not mean I have the ability to stay on the other side. In fact, it takes moment to moment practice for me. I am far from that place of no ego, and anticipate I will be spending the rest of my life fighting to stay in the place of the Witness.

This self-righteous indignation personality trait isn’t the last vestige of my ego, but it is another important rock to turn over and look underneath. Even before I started on my journey, when I saw myself play this card I would feel revulsion. Now that I know better, I can do better. Going forward, I can’t not know this about myself.

I have to keep polishing the mirror. I need to clean out every nook and cranny and make sure the ego is hunted down and dismantled so that I can stay in the place of the witness. When I can simply witness my life, my actions are clearer and cleaner. My thoughts (intentions,) words and actions are in alignment.

So I’ve ripped that damn curtain down and I’m calling out the lever-operator: STOP MANIPULATING MY BRAIN YOU LEVER-OPERATOR, YOU!

 

How do I get into the witness protection program?

 

Yours, while ignoring the man behind the curtain, Chris

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2 thoughts on “100 Days of Yoga, Day 90

  1. Joan Shumway says:

    Ten, nine, eight … … …
    Hey, Beautiful, you already are in the witness protection program!
    Love,
    Joan

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