November 19, 2012 by blogmasterjdeam
As I close in on the end of this process, I can see more and more how the ego, while having its purpose, also, has been a hinderance. Looking back, I can see how the dramas created by the ego have made my life so much harder than it needed to be. As I grew older, thus more proficient in my career, my ego grew bigger and bigger, so that I felt this sense of separateness and superiority. I am embarrassed about this now, and have a moment of wondering if I can actually make amends for the damage I did. I can’t blame the ego. I have to own that as well. It has been up to me, all along, to keep it in its place.
In Maui, I learned to step outside the ego, and become the Witness. When I am the Witness, my heart is open. It was a hard thing, having my heart opened and it is still hard to stay in that space. Like every part of this awakening, I have to constantly practice the things I’ve learned.
While peeling away the onion, (I mistakenly thought was completely peeled,) I found another layer: I like to call this chapter Hanging onto old hurts. Like the old hurts, I’ve kept this one pretty well hidden. Through this process I’ve learned what I don’t address will come back and bite me in the ass.
Hanging onto old hurts, of course, has a plus side. If it didn’t, I wouldn’t still be getting hung up on it. I had to dig deep to realize what the payoff was. Here is what I found: something I like to keep in my back pocket for a rainy day: self-righteous indignation. Because you never know when you’re going to need to play that card, right?
I should (hate that word) note here: for me, having released the ego and stepped through the keyhole, does not mean I have the ability to stay on the other side. In fact, it takes moment to moment practice for me. I am far from that place of no ego, and anticipate I will be spending the rest of my life fighting to stay in the place of the Witness.
This self-righteous indignation personality trait isn’t the last vestige of my ego, but it is another important rock to turn over and look underneath. Even before I started on my journey, when I saw myself play this card I would feel revulsion. Now that I know better, I can do better. Going forward, I can’t not know this about myself.
I have to keep polishing the mirror. I need to clean out every nook and cranny and make sure the ego is hunted down and dismantled so that I can stay in the place of the witness. When I can simply witness my life, my actions are clearer and cleaner. My thoughts (intentions,) words and actions are in alignment.
How do I get into the witness protection program?
Yours, while ignoring the man behind the curtain, Chris